Wednesday, May 26, 2010

this is our destiny -- nothing's too good to be

today i feel rushed and stressed and not put together at all. i feel like a mess.

yesterday was another stressful day, as we are trying to get dn ready to give FOUR TALKS in toronto. i've been putting my tasks off and helping, but today i have to get some of my stuff done, as this stuff has important deadlines (which have already passed -- totally not my fault, but still upsetting). and it's stuff that i totally don't want to do. because other people refuse to help me, and it's not something i can do on my own. trust me -- i wish it were. but it's not. so i need help. so this morning i am going to FORCE someone to help me, just so it will get done and turned in. and that's that.

yesterday, after staying late at work, i drove around and shopped a little. i didn't buy anything, just looked. here i am trying to employ my 'be deliberate' mantra, by only buying things i love and can't live without. honestly, i almost bought a pair of earrings and a ring, but i could feel that i didn't need them. it felt good to do that, as since i have graduated college and started making real money, i've been spending this real money like it's going out of style, and i've become addicted to simply buying things. i'm getting that under control, now.

after shopping, i went to barnes and noble. i got a frappuccino, found an interesting book and a comfy chair, and simply sat there and read. it felt so great and cozy and relaxing. i can't believe i have been putting doing that again off as long as i have.  i'm going to try and make it a habit from now on.

after that, i went over to justin's and ate stuffed crust pizza with him and his mom. yuuuuuum. i loooooove stuffed crust pizza. we watched food network, and then sports, and then i PASSED OUT. this isn't like controllable sleep. once i hit that point, even if i'm woken up, there is NO HOPE for me waking back up for real. i hate it. i feel like i don't have control over my own body. and you know what, i think it's due to all the stress i've been under. stress to do my job when no one will help me with this stupid irb stuff, stress to lose weight when i love eating, stress to clean my room and do my laundry when i have better things to do.

i need to get over and get on with it. i need to wake up early for morning gym AND go to evening gym. that way, if something comes up and i have to miss evening gym, i'll still have worked out for the day. i'm working on that. i need to just make up my mind to do it. but i'm a little bit scared of how tired i'll be.

my reward for tomorrow is a humphrey.

1 comment:

Jenny Moreau said...

I relate all to well to this.
I'm praying that this is just what year two of real life feels like and that it will all become easier as long as we endure this now.