Monday, April 26, 2010

'... and down to, savannah, and stay...'

friends, your words of encouragement mean the world to me. knowing that there are people who look forward to a day they can read your published work is a truly AMAZING feeling. and it's inspiring. i will surely begin working more dilligently. i will surely pursue this.

this week i'm working on relaxing. because, as of late, i don't even know what i'm doing anymore. i feel scattered and stretched. i don't even know what i enjoy anymore. it all just feels like stuff i'm doing - like all the color and vividness has faded, and continues to fade. well, i'm just not going to let that happen. i'm going to inject some boldness back into my life by listening to myself and making the best life decisions for me. i'm not going to shun them, or think about how i need to make some other decision to make someone else happy.

i just feel like i'm carrying around a whole lot of unnessecary guilt - as i was showering this morning, i was trying to figure out where this guilt comes from, and i don't even have an explanation for it. does anyone else feel this feeling? how do you cope? how do you get rid of the guilt? i just want to be happy, and calm, and rested. i feel like if i can finally achieve some actual relaxation, i'll be more at ease.

there are just things i have seen happen to those around me, that i don't want to happen to me. i want to kick this anxiety on its ass while i still have the chance.

in lighter news, my dad's birthday is thursday, and jazzfest is friday.

then, next weekend, mom, kara and i (and possibly dad) are road-tripping to jackson for another tour.. because kara will be at millsaps next year! :) super excited, and realizing how blessed we all are!

i really need to read more - i had gotten back on the bandwagon, but now i seem to have fallen back off. getting on once again tonight during my workout. i think i'll ride the bike for 30, while reading. sounds fantastic to me at present.

i keep thinking i'm done writing, then i think of more to write about.

friday was levy, and it was fun, but exhausting. the events up at the school were great, and the food was AMAZING (however, i need to stick to not eating office food). the party was decent - events preceeding it had me a little bit flustered, but lindsey was so fun and i soon forgot my troubles. we were ushered into the garage swiftly upon arrival to take care of stuff. in short, we were the help for quite a majority of the party, during which i was made to stand in front of everyone and hand off awards, while lindsey hid in the garden and snapped pictures of it all. there are, however, some great shots of us, so i hope she'll be putting them up on facebook soon. anyway, after the party, we retreated to the after party at noble savage, which proved insteresting to put it in a nice way. we eventually went to the front to listen to the band, and lauren and josh joined us for a couple of drinks. lindsey and i mainly told stories the entire time, laughing and acting total fools. i hope everyone enjoyed it, because we certainly did. in truth, i was proud of my classy behavior. and lack of barraging people with texts and drunkenly facebooking and/or twittering, which is some embarrassing behavior i've taken to doing recently. it was so nice to wake up the next day knowing i hadn't made an ass of myself.

saturday morning, bright and early, i headed over to monroe with mom for my cousin amy's wedding shower, which was held at my other cousin, christina's, house. i was grumbly about having to go at first, because, truthfully, having gotten in so late the night before, i was EXHAUSTED. and also truthfully, we had to pull over because let's just say i'd had a little too much beer the night before, which is never easy on my stomach. the party, however, was fantastic. the company was great, i connected with lots of people, was told i was pretty, and mimosa after mimosa took the edge off. on the way home, mom and i stopped to get chick fil a, and had a great time chatting on the way back.

upon arrival back in shreveport, and at 609, i crawled into bed for approximately 15 minutes before kara was at my door, ready for me to pretty-up her and ellen for prom. i did the girls' hair, a little of kara's makeup, and before we knew it, people were arriving for pictures. i've never seen that many people at our house before a formal - it was awesome. afterwards, i sat on the porch for a while before having mom drive me back home, where i got back in bed until justin came over. we got MORE chick fil a (haha) and watched public enemies (well, started to watch anyway - i could barely keep my eyes open at this point).

sunday i slept in as late as possible, kara came and picked me up, went went and got starbucks, went to bossier target where i bought a two tone brown belt that i'm wearing today, drove past ben affleck and jennifer garner's house, where we SAW JENNIFER GARNER SITTING OUT ON HER FRONT PORCH TALKING ON THE PHONE. we screamed and freaked out and updated our facebooks and twitters to brag about how we had had a sighting. then we went back to 609, where i began the long task of laundry and we watch 'the basketball diaries,' which is really intense, yet good. it's about drug abuse, and, truthfully, it reaffirmed my choice to stay away from drugs. kara went home, anna-claire came home, we got lots of groceries from target and a couple of chairs for the patio from wal-mart. then we came home and watched 'it might get loud,' which was, of course, awesome, and i absolutely have to let my dad borrow it this week.

that brings me to now. it's definitely going to be a 'work after lunch' day. oh, and i'm ALMOST DONE WITH MY LAUNDRY, which is groundbreaking and phenomenal, to say the absolute very least.

today means work, gym & reading, laundry, and, above all, relaxation.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i suffer from guilt that results from things i cannot control.

i try to find one thing that will bring me joy, and DO IT. everyday. i search out something. it doesn't always work, but it doesn't always fail either.

i have found that the following are generally successful:
1. a long drive with the radio up and windows down
2. a trip to the library or bookstore
3. a mani-pedi
4. fresh flowers on your bedside table
5. spin class

the key is to find something guilt-free. so while, i often crave a blizzard or candy bar to make it better, that NEVER works. it creates second guilt.