Sunday, February 28, 2010

well i guess this is....

you go to college, and, after a while, who you are there begins to define you.

you get comfortable in your own skin -- or, at least, you learn how to sink into yourself and take what comes at you, because you have that persona to fall back on.

and you're surrounded by friends.

and things to do.

and stuff to drink and eat. and stuff to dress up as. and reasons to live that are simple. and fun. and exciting.


then, you graduate.

you come home, and suddenly, you're an adult, and you're expected to make your own way, make your own money, and figure out what you're supposed to do with your life.

no one tells you that this is one of the most difficult times of your life.

especially if you're not running off to get married or starting your dream job that pays a million dollars per year and is in new york city and you live on fifth avenue.

especially if you're not starting med school, or law school, or are driven and encouraged to go to graduate school.

especially if all you do is move back in with your parents, in the room you last really lived in when you were seventeen years old, about to embark on the wonderland of adventure that we know as college.

no one tells you you'll grapple with different hobbies and interests until you feel so empty and personality-less that you don't even know what you yourself like anymore.

no one tells you that you'll yearn for your own space, your own life, your own problems.

no one tells you that working every day is dull and pointless. the only thing you work for is money, because now you're used to it, used to having it, used to buying things for yourself.

no one tells you the relationships you had when 'over there' will turn into something different once you're back 'over here.'

no one tells you after a year of being back, that drinking just to drink isn't fun, but the beginnings of a problem, of an addiction.

no one tells you that most of the time you'll just want to sleep your days off away, and that you'll wish to call in on weekdays, so you can sleep those days away too.

actually, everyone tells you. 'stay in college for as long as possible.'

everyone tells you.

but you don't listen.

you think there's freedom after graduation. but really, you're just entering a new prison.

adult life. adult life while you're still a child that wants nothing more than to be lazy.. to go out and play. and feel free and happy and light.


go after the things you want that feel like things you need.

don't hesitate or those things will be gone when you turn back around.

treat the people in your life like you couldn't live if they weren't there.

make everything special; make everything worthwhile.

i don't know where to go from here.