it's been too long since i last wrote. i need to get better at this. writing used to be my favorite thing to do -- it used to be a type of therapy.. it helped me look at my life from a distance & know what was going on better. where did that go? it needs to come back.
i am so sick of males thinking they can come into the lives of me & my friends, stomp around on our hearts & souls, and then just walk out like nothing happened. girls, let's put an end to this. from now on, i'm only letting guys into my life who think i am the world.
i'm putting my life in the hands of God and music.
my single self is truly superior to my relationship self. i feel things so much more clearly when i'm alone. i'm more passionate, more loving, more present. music speaks to me vividly. i am more in touch with the world. i'm more at peace. and a large part of this is, i feel my happiness only depends on me. i don't have to look for it anywhere else. i find it in my heart.. in my heart alone. and in that moment, i know i'm going to make it. i know i have it in me. and one day, i'll find someone who ENHANCES my single self, and doesn't change it or erase it.
the problem with me and relationships is that i jump blindly in. i think everything about them must be perfect, and look how LUCKY i am. i never see it the other way around.. that THEY are the lucky ones. that's something i'm going to work on. because the way it's been, isn't the way it's supposed to be.
something that feels fabulous is to let go of all the jealousy & paranoia. i haven't been whole for over a year. now i feel like i'm getting there. i was allowing myself to let something be ok, THAT WASN'T. why do i do that to myself? i'm not going to stand for it anymore.
as one of my favorite celebrities once tweeted, 'girls: go where you're celebrated, not tolerated.' i know i'm a tool for quoting twitter, but here's the thing: i don't care. :)
to the girls reading this: thank you for being my oxygen for the past week. i truly wouldn't survive without the two of you. you remind me why i'm wonderful. and sometimes i need that reminder to keep going. the two of you keep me accountable. the two of you remind me what life is all about. and y'all make me want to celebrate every day, because we are so lucky to have this chance to be a part of this world.. to drive around with the wind in our hair and the music in our hearts. you remind me that sometimes laying in the grass in the country.. or dancing in the streets of monroe... is more beautiful than anything. that the love between friends is one of the most powerful and exciting energies humans can experience. thank you for that.
so here i am. i spent this weekend laying in bed, smiling at text messages & slipping in & out of sleep watching my favorite things on my new TV. and for once, i was able to dispell the feelings that i'm missing something, that someone is lying to me, that things are happening behind my back. i took that out of the equation of my thoughts. and, in truth, it feels great.
now, for some lists.
a very creekwood labor day weekend CD:
((i need to mail you girls a copy soon))
1. i want you (kings of leon) - my fave right now.
2. the killer (tyler read)
3. the way i loved you (taylor swift) - so indicative of my most recent relationship.
4. hey girl (OAR)
5. toes (zac brown band)
6. if you're wondering if i want you to, i want you to (weezer) - i love this band oh so much.
7. don't look back in anger (oasis) - this song truly makes me remember everything is going to be ok.
8. party in the USA (miley cyrus)
9. about to act a fool (lil jon & three six mafia) - LOL.
10. notion (kings of leon)
11. private school girls (tyler read) - kara's favorite.
12. sunday morning (velvet underground) - so into them right now.
13. new york girls (matt white)
14. local boy in the photograph (stereophonics)
15. mary's song (taylor swift)
16. a litmus test (tyler read) - my favorite.
17. crimson & clover (velvet underground)
18. sweet caroline (neil diamond)
and now, presenting: the perfect boyfriend list. i haven't made one of these since summer after freshman year of college.
1. i'm leaving #1 off, because it's slightly incriminating.
2. LOVES music, but isn't a snob about it; will sing anything from taylor swift & abba, to oasis & elliott smith with me.
3. has a career; has a direction -- loves their job, but knows how to leave work at work.
4. dotes on me -- thinks the world of me.
5. thinks i'm beautiful & tells me so.
6. sends me flowers at work on my birthday.
7. wants to lay in bed and watch movies/TV on DVD all day every once in a while.
8. loves to travel & wants to take me on trips.
9. loves football, baseball, basketball, golf, tennis -- SPORTS.
10. a total goofball -- makes me laugh & laughs at me.
11. knows how to express his feelings and be emotional, but not overly.
12. has good style: this can mean polos, boat shoes, seersucker, linen, baseball caps & nice sunglasses OR guyliner, band t shirts, and a guitar if they're a rockstar. either way, they need to be equipped with comfy pajamas that i can steal.
13. doesn't hesitate to spend lots of money every once in a while -- nice gifts,vacations, dinner.
15. not skinny.
16. blue/green/gray eyes.
17. dark hair.
18. olive skin.
19. loves texting me.
21. obsessed with all movies & wants to have 'movie nights.' (see #7)
22. but still knows how to go out & can have a blast with me & my friends at the bar.
23. understands me (or at least genuinely tries to).
24. drives a big truck or SUV.
25. grew up in the country.
26. is strong & knows how to fix everything/take care of me in every way.
27. doesn't overuse pet names.
28. doesn't have bitchy creepo stalker friends.
29. has tons of sweet guy friends.
30. will watch gilmore girls and harry potter with me.
31. loves to take/be in pictures.
32. has a loving family.
33. is catholic, or is willing to be, or is open-minded.
ok, so that's all for now. i'm sure more will be added. and, of course, this is the most idealistic part of me speaking.
one more list.. what i'm going to read this fall/winter:
1. the bible
2. harry potter and the deathly hallows
3. the crowning glory of calla lily ponder
4. the chronicles of narnia
5. little women
6. gone with the wind
that's all for now. i'll be back soon, loves.